


How Does It Feel (With My Teeth In Your Heart)

by Synnerxx



Series: Habits (Stay High) [6]
Category: Megadeth, Metallica
Genre: Blood, Complicated Relationships, Emotional Manipulation, Guilt, Internal Monologue, Loneliness, M/M, Manipulation, Non-Graphic Violence, Overthinking, Self-Reflection, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-19 17:43:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5975731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Synnerxx/pseuds/Synnerxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave's alone with his thoughts. (Load Era)</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Does It Feel (With My Teeth In Your Heart)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sleep_and_feel_no_pain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleep_and_feel_no_pain/gifts).



> for raven for many, many reasons. also my apologies for falling asleep on you during the fluff scene. (blahhhh, bad self.) hope this makes up for it though. (i'll try to get better about updating this.) (also, hi dave, you were chatty.)
> 
> first post of 2016!

Dave sits on the couch, the house deceivingly silent and calm. James is gone, left after another screaming match between the two of them. He doesn’t know where David is, doesn’t care right now. There’s blood on his lip and he touches it lightly, the cut stinging a little. He and James had traded a few licks before James had shoved him away and stormed out. He had never been one to back down once a fight had gotten started, but he didn’t relish physical altercations the way Dave did either. So he left and Dave sat on the couch with blood on his lip in silence. 

He has to admit that he knew this was coming. It always happened, usually sooner rather than later. What had been teasing comments and playful barbs had quickly escalated into actual insults and sneering comments. This was the way it had always been between them and it was unlikely to ever change, even with the way they felt about each other now. It wasn’t enough. It never was. It never would be. They don’t click as smoothly as they should, too many rough edges to grate against the other.

He knows he shouldn’t have let it get as far as it did, trading blows with one another even though no lasting damage had been dealt, but his temper was far too great to ignore and that’s the way they knew how to deal with each other. Snarls, growls, fury, and a need to hurt. It wasn’t going to change. They didn’t change. They didn’t know how. Dave didn’t know how to go about finding out either and knew James was just as clueless as he was. 

They don’t fit together and they know this and yet, they are still unwilling to change, to shift, to compromise and try to make it work. There’s too much history there to erase, to overlook, to ignore. Dave doesn’t know how to let it go and move on and try to have a good relationship with James now. James doesn’t know how to do those things either. They’ve always been destined to fall, too stubborn and unwilling to admit that the other might be right or they might be wrong and it will always be their downfall. 

Dave shifts on the couch, licking his bottom lip, and staring at the clock on the entertainment center. He wonders where David is. He knows where James is. Crawling back to Lars with his tail tucked between his legs, begging for another chance because things hadn’t worked out the way he’d wanted with Dave. Same old, same old. It never changed. They fell together, blew up, and fell apart. James bounced between him and Lars just as much as he always did, seeking from the other what he wanted from each of them when one wasn’t giving him what he wanted.

He thinks about calling Lars, thinks about telling Lars all the things James had said about him in the middle of the night, curled around Dave. He doesn’t though. As much as he’d like to ruin James’ attempts at winning Lars back, Lars won’t believe him anyway. Lars refuses to on general principle these days. Dave probably deserves that, but he’s telling the truth. James had told him how controlling and needy and bitchy Lars was. Not that it wasn’t something Dave didn’t know already. Lars didn’t change either. None of them did. 

He sucks on his lip, tasting metal and rust, hardly blinking as he stares at the clock. The minutes drag on and he wonders where David is, when he’s coming back. He isn’t sure what he wants out of David, other than him here. Dave knows he should treat David better, should be with him instead of wasting his time and energy on James Hetfield, but he just can’t quite love David the way David loves him. David loves him so completely, so truly, that no matter what he does to him, no matter how cruel he is, David stays. He stays right by his side, there whenever Dave needs him. He wants to love David better, wants to be better, but he isn’t and they both know this.

Dave Mustaine doesn’t change. He’s cold and cruel and calculating and cares only for himself at the end of the day. Everyone knows that. He sneers at the clock as it ticks loudly, mocking him. He doesn’t change and he never will. He knows it, James knows it, David knows it. It’s a fact. James doesn’t change either. They don’t give into one another. Not in ways that matter, not in ways that will keep their relationship healthy. They just don’t. They can’t. They don’t have it in them. They’re too rigid and unyielding to the other and that’s the way it’s always been and always will be. There’s no changing that. No changing them.

David, on the other hand, allows Dave to shape and mold him into whatever he wants, whatever he needs. He gives into Dave, indulges Dave, compromises for Dave. Dave doesn’t return the favor. Dave doesn’t bend the way David does, nearly to the point of breaking, just for the slight chance that Dave will change his mind one day, will see how much David loves and cares about him, how much better he is for him, and return his love for him. Dave’s not stupid. He’s a lot of things, but stupid is not one of them. He knows David is better for him than James is. He’s well aware that David loves him ways that James can’t or won’t. He sees the way David bends over backwards for him in ways that James would never. Though, if he’s being fair, he’d never bend for James either. 

David loves him. He will always love him. No matter what he does, David will love him just as completely and selflessly as he does now. David doesn’t know how to love any other way, doesn’t know that you’re not supposed to give yourself to someone else like this, doesn’t know that you shouldn’t let people have that much power over you. Especially not people like Dave Mustaine. But David doesn’t know how to love any differently, doesn’t know how to protect himself against heartbreak and so Dave puts the blame on him. It’s David’s fault if he can’t prevent himself from getting hurt. 

He prods the cut in his bottom lip with the point of his tongue, worrying at it, and making it bleed more. The clock continues ticking and the front door remains shut, neither David nor James coming back. He runs his fingers through his hair, wincing as his curls tangle around them, messy from the fight. He combs them out the best he can, giving up after a few minutes. He goes back to watching the clock, the minutes slipping by with the tick tick tick of the hands. 

It’s not his fault he can’t love them like they want, like they deserve. He and James were probably never meant to work and they both knew that. They could feel it, no matter what they told themselves, no matter how many times they swore it would be different this time around. It never changed. They never changed. It was a cycle of love and hate, happiness and rage, coming together and falling apart. It had been going on for this long and would continue on forever, if they let it. They would. They didn’t know how to break the cycle, didn’t know how to stay away from each other for good.

Sometimes he wishes he could love David the way he deserved. Late at night, when he can’t sleep, he feels something like guilt burning in the pit of his stomach as David sleeps next to him, breath soft and even, innocent. If anyone deserves to be happy, it’s David. He never would be though, not as long as he holds onto Dave. Dave knows this deep down, even as he refuses to admit it. Even David knows this and still can’t let go of Dave. 

He stares at the front door, willing someone to walk through it and distract him from his thoughts, but no one does and it stays closed. He doesn’t like thinking about these things, doesn’t like admitting that he’s wrong or that he has shortcomings. He prefers to pretend otherwise, masking the doubts and insecurities with ego and bravado. He puts a snarl on and he’s fine, he’s always fine. 

It’s never as fine as he wants it to be though. David deserves better. Hell, even James deserves better, prick though he is. He doesn’t know why they don’t leave for good, doesn’t know why they stay. He doesn’t even know why he keeps holding onto them when he knows he shouldn’t. He doesn’t like to examine that too closely, prefers to ignore it and bury it deep down where no one can find it. There’s no need for anyone to see it. 

He leans back on the couch, the cut on his lip finally not bleeding anymore, but still tasting of salt and rust. He almost wants to gnaw it open again, feel that bright sting of pain to distract him from his thoughts, but he releases his lip and settles back on the couch, pretending to relax when tension draws his muscles up tight as he waits, watching the door and the clock, being mocked by the slow ticking of the minute hand. 

He wonders what he would do if they stopped loving him and left him alone. He wonders if he’d find someone else, maybe someone he’d really love. Someone he’d bend for, someone who would bend without breaking for him. He wonders if there’s anyone out there like that for him. He wonders if he even deserves that after the way he’s treated David and James and decides he probably doesn’t. Even if there is someone out there like that, he’d break them just as sure as he’s broken David and even James to some extent. 

People like him don’t deserve to have someone love them like that. He doesn’t even deserve David’s love and he knows that. He keeps it to himself though, keeps it all to himself. He’s selfish like that. He knows that. He knows he doesn’t deserve David, knows that he doesn’t treat him well. But David stays and takes whatever he dishes out. And that’s David’s fault, isn’t it. Isn’t it? He should leave if he’s unhappy, Dave reasons, but he knows David isn’t strong enough for that, wouldn’t survive without him.

James wouldn’t survive without him either. He keeps coming back for more. Sure, there’s stretches of time where they’re not speaking, sometimes months, sometimes years. But James always comes back to him eventually. He can’t find it in himself to completely leave Dave. No matter how dysfunctional they get, he can’t help the way he’s drawn to Dave, the way he needs something from Dave that no one else has and no one else can give him. He needs it, craves it, comes back for it. And that’s his fault, isn’t it. Isn’t it?

Of course it’s their fault. You don’t stay with someone or come back to them if you’re truly unhappy with them. No matter how much you think you need them. Dave tries to convince himself of that, tries to shift the blame and assign the fault to them for their own unhappiness with the status quo, but there’s a voice in the back of his head that whispers that it’s his fault. He caught them somehow and now they’re tangled in his web, never to escape. They will always be his, no matter if they want to be or not. It doesn’t even seem to matter if he wants to let them go or not. He’s thought about it plenty, especially for David. He thinks, in the dead of the night, that he should let David go, let him find someone more suited to him, who can love him the way he needs, because who wouldn’t love David? Sweet, innocent David Ellefson. Who wouldn’t love him? Dave shoves the thought away, knowing he won’t, can’t let David go. 

Dave’s never been very good at choosing the right thing over his own desires anyway. He knows he’s selfish. He takes what he wants, when he wants it and who cares who he hurts in the process. He has what he wants and that’s what matters to him. At night, sometimes when he can’t sleep, when he stares up at the ceiling, shadows moving across it, he cares. The guilt comes, twisting and turning, bright and hot, in the pit of his stomach. By morning, it’s gone.

He blinks, staring at the clock as it continues ticking, continues mocking him. He touches his lip and relishes in the sting of the cut. He watches the door, waiting for someone to come home, to come back to him. It doesn’t open.


End file.
